Black Man, What is Wrong With You?

I hate talking about race, really I do. I’d like to believe that we are all part of one race, the human race and that color doesn’t matter so I try to stay away from racially charged topics or discussions. However, there is one topic that I can’t help having a very strong opinion on and that’s the now widely accepted notion that there is something wrong with black women; that we are undesirable partners because we are all emotionally unstable, bitter and overall unsuitable for marriage.

A friend of mine recently sent me an article from the New York Daily News entitled “Why Black Women are Justifiably Bitter”. The author gives many reasons to justify black women’s bitterness, from the fact that on average, black women make more money than black men to the high incarceration rate of black men to being raised in single parent homes and then becoming single parents themselves etc. I agree with the author’s views, but if these are reasons that justify black women being bitter, it says that black women aren’t only to blame for their bitterness.

There are plenty black men and women that are in happy, healthy relationships or otherwise fulfilled and content with their life, but the majority of black women are lacking something that all women crave whether we realize it or not, and that’s to be loved unconditionally by a man. That love doesn’t necessarily have to come from a boyfriend or husband, it’s supposed to come from your father but if it doesn’t, you’ll be looking for it your entire life either consciously or subconsciously. This lack of love is the root of why so many black women are unhappy and it’s what leads many of us to hold on to relationships long after we should let go. It’s the reason so many of us stay loyal to men that don’t deserve us or even want us, leading to bitterness and baggage.

So what’s wrong with black women? Noting at all! It is perfectly reasonable to feel and behave the way that some of us do based on our circumstances and experiences with men. It seems that society has completely exempted black men from responsibility for the social issues that black women face today. The world seems to think that some of us just woke up one morning with bright and dreamy eyes and said, “I think I’ll be bitter from now, yeah, that’ll get me exactly what I want out of life.”

Where is the black man that was supposed to love us unconditionally? Why do black men have a higher rate of incarceration than any other race leaving black women to deal with what they leave behind when they go to jail? Why are so many black children raised without their fathers leaving black women to play the role of mother and father? Black man, what is wrong with you?

Why do so many black men choose to date outside their race because they just can’t deal with black women’s issues instead of trying to help them heal? Why are so many black men afraid of commitment leaving approximately 70% of black women unwed? Why are black men the most likely of any race to have multiple sex partners leaving black women with the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases of any other group? Black man, what is wrong with you?

Why have so many black men molested and raped their daughters, nieces and grandchildren leaving them with emotional scars before they were even old enough to date? Black man, what is wrong with you?


Adia Kamaria


Published by Adia Kamaria

Adia Kamaria blogs at and is the author of two books: the novel Ana’s Magic and the memoir Yellow Tulips & Red Buses. Adia holds a Bachelor’s in Business Administration from Florida International University and a Master of Arts in Marketing Management from Middlesex University, London.

10 thoughts on “Black Man, What is Wrong With You?

  1. You hit the nail right on the head. When black women hold on and stay with some of these dudes, they’re called stupid and naive. When they put their food down and don’t put up with the nonsense, they’re called bitter, smh. I have two words for my brothers out there: Man Up! It’s unfortunate the amount of good black women out there that can’t find a suitable partner because we as black men won’t hold ourselves accountable for our own shortcomings. The only way we change the cycle is to change the mentality. It has to start somewhere. I might have to elaborate on this in another post 😉 Thanks Adia

  2. I honestly don’t know where to begin or weather to be offended, sad or angry but I do know that you are right and we (black men) have not value black woman the way we should.
    There are many issues that have knotted to create the web problems that black folks not just in America but around the world face but the issues in the home are by far most dire. Having been raised in a Christian home with both parents still married and very much in love with one another; I quickly realize that I was a minority within a minority group.
    Many of my friends only had one parent and most often than not; it was the mother. Looking back at my past relationships, 100% the girls I have dated have all been raised in broken homes. I agree with your statement that “it’s supposed to come from your father but if it doesn’t, you’ll be looking for it your entire life either consciously or subconsciously. This lack of love is the root of why so many black women are unhappy and it’s what leads many of us to hold on to relationships long after we should let go. It’s the reason so many of us stay loyal to men that don’t deserve us or even want us, leading to bitterness and baggage.” I do believe the stability of a home starts with the father but for a long time that figure have been absent for most families, we could argue that it started 500 years ago when our ancestors were shackles and sold into slavery, we could even point out how Jim Crow played a major factor by dehumanizing black man in order to force the women to see that he was inadequate and could not provide food or protection for his family.
    We could go on with more examples but none would, could or should justify the action of black man towards back women. I have been guilty of not wanting to date black women because at one point in my life, I could not connect with women of my race, and for a long time until the last few years they didn’t understand me and neither did I understand their issues. I realize that there was more than what was being manifested on the surface; I also didn’t want my sister growing up and feeling as if she was lacking for being black. The answer to your question “Where is the black man that was supposed to love us unconditionally?” We are here at least a few of us are!
    Those who have mature to the point where they realize that this generational curse has to STOP and thus we need to raise beautiful healthy black families and be a shining example to those who may be hopeless. I do however have to agree with you when you said “It seems that society has completely exempted black men from responsibility for the social issues that black women face today.” I particularly have beef with the media and mostly the hip hop community, I believe that the songs, videos and movies that we have been exposed to over the last few decades and which are being handed down to future generations is not helping the “black man” to respect, protect or cherish our beautiful black women.

  3. “We could go on with more examples but none would, could or should justify the action of black man towards back women.” — I agree with this statement the most. Thank you so much for your feedback and for not being offended. I am not trying to put black men down. I’m just trying to say that we have a cause and effect here, the black women that are bitter didn’t become that way on their own.

  4. Wow! This is beautiful. To be honest I have treated horrible by some black women and great by others so I don’t black women for this issues I have been thru and the same goes for other ethnicities of women. As I became a man I had to learn to blame myself and reconstruct my own thinking to make myself and others around me take responsibility for actions.

    This reading was very informative and interesting. If it is okay with you. I would like to interview you and have the link for “Black man, what is wrong with you?” on my website.

    Beautiful work AdiaKamaria

    I am also subscribing to your posts and follow-up comments

    1. Thank you dafrontporch for your comments and thank you for subscribing. I would love for you to interview me and of course I don’t mind if you put the link on your website, feel free.

  5. This hits a lot of homes and would love all these questions answered. I personally don’t think most black men are aware of the long term impact they make with one selfish act. You should write a part 2 to “Black man, what is wrong with you?”

    1. That’s for reading Michelle. I get so frustrated when I hear people, especially the media talk about how bitter some black women are. I know a lot of us are bitter, but we didn’t get that way by ourselves. It’s a combination of a lot of things.

  6. Nothing I can really debate. In terms of bitter, if sistas really want to show their selfworth and to really make brothas wake up, I strongly suggest sistas to expand their dating options. Brothas been doin it and not taking as much heat. Its unfortunate but a lot of us seem to take sistas for granted because the majority would not date outside their race regardless of how dire the breakage of the family bond is. One other thing is that a lot of sistas lack a backbone in terms of how they are treated and accept to be called out their name by us which in essence they devalue themselves. We are as a people seem to enjoy belittling and degrading ourselves by any means necessary for the all might dollar. We don’t even value education anymore. We seem to only shoot to be ballers and rappers and unfortunately these same men end up being broke because of their materialistic ways. Until we wake up and change the way we look at life in will only get worse in terms of the black male’s outlook on life let alone how we view women. Its frustrating to have to take the hit for other brothas coonery but it seems that is winning out amongst sistas considering these same dudes are paid very well carrying out almost every big stereotype imaginable. I don’t know what the solution is overall because there is sooo much to fix. All I can say is take each man as an individual and hope for the best. Know what his purpose in life and make sure if he is working towards something, he is either in the process of doing it or in school towards doing it. If he is just talking he will never do it. A man that is working towards something is never idle, he is always looking to better himself and his situation. I personally can’t stress over other brothas transgressions and struggles with the law. As long as I don’t fall into those pitfalls I am good. One can get depressed or stressed out worrying about dudes that really don’t care about their place in society let alone the world.

  7. I remember some months back; I was walking across the street, attempting to get a cab when I noticed a beautiful sister trying to get a cab as well. I think I said something like, “Have a good day Miss.” She looked at me like a begged her for a quarter or some shit. I asked her, “Why are some of y’all sisters so cold towards brothers.” She told me because a lot of black men are full of shit. At first I felt defensive, but once I looked at her facial expression I realized that she truly felt that way and in turn I empathized with her because although I believe wholeheartedly that I’m a good man, I know some sisters who may not view me that way. The interesting fact in that encounter with baby girl is that she felt some animosity for me and she doesn’t even know me. I was just being polite, but I guess she already had me figured out.

    In another situation, I had one woman tell me she doesn’t deal with black men at all. She only got involved with white and latino men. I was baffled by her boldness but intrigued by her honesty on the issue. So I asked her, “I’m a black man. Why are you here with me?” She told me because I’m different. She actually told me that the only thing brothers do is cheat, commit crimes and sit in your crib all day. Her view on brothers is extremely poisonous. I asked her, “If you have a son someday, what are you going to tell him? Are you going to share your views of black men with your son?” I don’t fully remember her response, but it was along the lines of, “Yeah, but I wouldn’t talk bad about black men to my son because I don’t want him to be that type of man.” Huh?

    The outlook both women had of black men bothered me. Their views bothered me most because it forced me to do some introspection of my own character as a black man. How do I conduct myself as a black man? I’ve never hit a woman, but am I still guilty of abuse? I have no children of my own, but have I neglected my responsibilities as a father figure? This topic weighs heavy on us as a people because it gives light to how sensitive this topic is for us. The truth of the matter is (from my viewpoint) that black women are the most oppressed people in America and they rightfully have some resentment towards black men for not coming to their aid. It’s like black women have loved us unconditionally, they raised us to the best of their abilities; they prepared us for a world that they knew would be unfair to us, and as compensation for their strenuous work, we (black men) hurt them; bottom line. We hurt them; we hurt them because we’re hurt. But that’s what hurt people do at times; they hurt people. I’m probably just babbling right now, but my intended message is heartfelt. As a black man, I say to black women; I love you and appreciate you. I think what black women need is an appreciation day; nah y’all probably need a whole year 🙂 I really want to expound on this topic further, but I’m working on being a concise writer. So in the words of the late Tupac Shakur, to all my sisters, mothers, wives, daughters, grandmothers and aunts; Keep Ya’ Head Up

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